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Why is Magneto Naked and Other Quandaries for 2012

I am fully aware that there are approximately 3 billion other people who are composing their New Year’s Resolutions right this second, and nobody cares about anyone’s resolutions except their own.  However, I have decided to kick the backside of 2012 before it has a chance to kick mine, and so I’m doing this for me.

Category #1:  Blog

1.  In December, have the first annual MonsterVHS Awards.  I’m going to have a widget (is that the word?) on my blog homepage for nominations.

2.  Actually learn how to do stuff on the blog, like design it and make it look cool.  Find out what a widget  is and if that’s what I actually intend to put in the sidebar.

3.  Blog at least 2x a week.

4.  If I buy a movie, I have to write a review of it for the blog.

Category #2:  Writing

5.  Write at least one chapter of my novel or one short story per week.  If that gets to be easy, up that to two chapters, a chapter and a short, or two shorts.

Category #3:  Health and Fitness

6.  Do some kind of exercise for at least 30 minutes every day.

7.  Buy a bicycle.

Category #4:  Miscellaneous

8.  Meet Joe Bob Briggs.  Don’t embarrass myself.

A Visit to the High Bank: Elevators and X-Men

I visited the best little movie theater in Oklahoma (or anywhere else) today to rent Horrible Bosses and X-Men:  First Class.  Enjoyed both immensely for different reasons, plus I had the opportunity to see the Rialto’s Art Deco elevator, which is usually obscured by boxes and the like and aren’t open for public use.

These are not the doors you're looking for...but I didn't know how to take a picture without feeling like a fool.

When I arrived back home, I added my receipt to my stack of Rialto receipts.  Is it weird that I keep the receipts?  Probably, but it helps me recall what movies I’ve seen, and that’s not the point of today’s blog.  The point is, the last time I rented a movie before December was September 15th–just about the time that my enthusiasm and fecundity for my blog began to waver.  My hypothesis?  Like Scarlett, I draw my strength from the popcorn-scented earth of Rialto.  My reasoning comes from the fact that I returned to my video-renting habits on December 13th, and voila, the urge to blog returned.  A good rule of thumb for those who have the means (namely, myself):  visit the Rialto every two weeks.

Also:  Horrible Bosses features an on-board navigation service manned by an Indian pretending to be named Gregory, which is horrible in and of itself, but it gets worse:  ”Gregory” tells the trio of main characters that all conversations are recorded to ensure customer satisfaction.  Rather than being completely freaked out by the total violation of their car privacy, the trio are elated.  I won’t say why they’re so jolly, just that they are.  Spoilers, sweetie.  But seriously, how twisted is that, really, if you think about it.  Yech.

Finally, I don’t know if Joe Bob still does Drive-In Awards (the trophies were hubcaps) but I’m thinking of taking his idea and running with it for 2012.  Still, James McAvoy deserves an honorary MonsterVHS Award for his performance as Professor Xavier.  Professor X always seemed like a cold fish in the first 3 X-Men movies, though it pains me to say it because–just as David Tennant is my doctor–Patrick Stewart is my captain.  With First Class, however, it was a great treat to see familiar characters at their beginnings, and a very large part of that were the performances, specifically Mr. McAvoy’s.  When the final shot exchanged between Rose Byrne’s Moira and Michael Fassbender’s Magneto results in a deflected bullet striking Charles Xavier in the spine, I reacted with a flinch and a shout.  It’s one thing to see a person (or a character in this case) and always know them with their disability in mind.  But to see them forever altered–to watch the tragedy unfold–is painful.

Seeing Professor X in the first three X-Men movies is like talking about Christopher Reeve to someone born in the ’90s–they don’t remember what he was like before, only the paraplegic struggling bravely to live and reclaim his ability to walk.  And in ten years, when the children of the oughts come up in the ranks, they won’t remember Christopher Reeve, the champion of paraplegics and the valiant fighter.  They’ll only remember him perhaps as Superman, if there isn’t a reboot in the next few years, or as Richard Collier from Somewhere in Time, if they’re lucky.  Only those of us who were aware before, during, and after can say they watched the tragedy unfold–and watched the tragic hero rise above his downfall.

Which is all a roundabout way of saying that James McAvoy’s performance was tremendous in revealing to the audience a character we all thought we knew.  Imagine if he had caught the eye of George Lucas during the casting of Episode 2–what a different Anakin Skywalker we’d have gotten!  One that actually emotes!  Ah, woulda coulda shoulda…

Corn Starch…Porn Star…Join Us

For the first ever MonsterVHSVision Iron Man Marathon, I’d like to start by explaining the origins of the Iron Man Marathon.  It’s a well-known fact that Joe Bob Briggs, in addition to being the world’s preeminent drive-in movie theater critic, is also A #1 in my book.  Some time ago, I encountered a video on youtube that showed a very young Joe Bob introducing the Iron Man Marathon on TMC.  Alas, that video appears to have been lost to the sands of time on the information superhighway, but I happened to have saved it on my computer.  Below, the transcript of that video:

“Tonight, on the Iron Man Marathon, we pay tribute to Frank Stallone.  The Pink Chaquitas, Frank’s greatest starring role, right here on The Movie Channel.  And then we’re gonna follow that at 2:25 in the morning with Dogs in Space, Australian punk rock deal, skip it, real boring.  It’s an awful movie.  And then finally, here’s the one I want you to stay up for:  Knightriders at 4:15.  If you never have seen it, you need to.  It was made back 7, 8 years ago by George Romero, the great director of Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead, and They’re Still Dead.  And George is always to make a different kind of movie than just movies about dead people, and so he made this really weird flick about a group of motorcycle stunt drivers that go from town to town putting on these renaissance fairs, you know, those deals where they play the real bad plastic flute music, only they have this real jousting and fighting on the bikes, and they live by the code of King Arthur.  It’s one of the longest movies in human history and didn’t do too good at the box office, but it kind of grows on you, especially Ed Harris as the king of the tribe.  Also watch in the opening part of the movie, Stephen King is one of the beer-guzzling obnoxious spectators.  Big Steve is a friend of George Romero, and I guess he was hanging around the set.  Anyhow, that’s the one to stay up for.  This first one, The Pink Chaquitas, is about some zombie hookers from outer space who take over a town and start sexing all the men to death.  It’s interesting for about ten, fifteen minutes.  So getcha something to eat, and come back at 4:15.  That’s when we got some real action on VCR Overnite:  The Iron Man Marathon.  I’m Joe Bob Briggs, I’ll catch you later.”

This is the kind of television programming that is woefully lacking in today’s modern world.  Behold:

Tonight, in honor of Joe Bob, on the first ever MonsterVhsVision Iron Man Marathon, we’re watching Evil Dead, Night of the Living Dead, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

A note on the title of tonight’s blog post:  the first time I ever watched Evil Dead, it was on a lovingly battered VHS copy from my beloved Rialto.  As I took the heavy tape from its brown clamshell (the slip case being left behind at the store), I knew my perception of the world was going to change.  By the time I saw “The ultimate experience in grueling terror” roll across my tv screen, Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi had earned one more permanent fan.  A lot of it had to do with the lack of logic in the film–the trees themselves?  A giant hand coming out of a zombie?  A mirror turning to water?–which I was able to buy into completely because the story itself was compelling.  So when the evil dead solemnly intoned, “Join us,” on my worn VHS what I heard was, “Corn starch.”  The next time I watched the film was with a group of friends, and they all concluded (logic notwithstanding) that the voices were saying, “Porn star.”  It was not until I bought the DVD in 2003 that the magic of corn starch was revealed to be “Join us.”

November 5, 1955

“No, wait!  The bruise, the bruise on your head–I know what happened!  You told me the whole story:  you were standing on your toilet, and you were hanging a clock, and you fell, and you hit your head on the sink.  And that’s when you came up with the idea for the flux capacitor.  Which is what makes time travel possible.”–Marty McFly, Back to the Future

And an earthquake struck Oklahoma while I was typing that.  It brings to mind something Doc said:  ”Unbelievable, that old Biff could have chosen that particular date.  It could mean that that point in time inherently contains some sort of cosmic significance.  Almost as if it were the temporal junction point for the entire space-time continuum.  On the other hand, it could just be an amazing coincidence.”  Let me also point out that November 5 is the date of the Gunpowder Treason, in which Guy Fawkes and his cohorts attempted to overthrow the British government.  What I’m saying is, weird things seem to happen on November 5th.

Additionally, in yet another example of how Wikipedia is failing the world, Back to the Future Day is not listed under “Holidays and Observances” on the entry for November 5.  Anyway, in the sixteen minutes left to November 5th, 2011, we should celebrate the second-best film to come out in 1985.

The day after Halloween strikes back…

Dear Halloween,

It’s been a few days, but I felt if I didn’t say it now, I’d never say it.  And you know I can’t keep anything from you.  You’ve been with me rock solid ever since October ’91, when a freak ice storm coated my entire town with enough ice to skate on.  You were there for me during high school when I was too cool for trick-or-treating, and after college when I finally had a place of my own…oh, the times we had, Halloween.  The wild times.  The good times.  The times that are a little fuzzy but all the more endearing for their alcohol-soaked nostalgia.  I love you, Halloween, more than all the other holidays.  Independence Day is a summer fling and Valentine’s Day has always been more of a flirt than a holiday I can really enjoy, but you, Halloween?  You’re the one!

So that’s why I have to say this.  They say you always hurt the one you love, and I can tell ‘em it’s true, now.  Because I hurt you, Halloween.  I let you down on your big day.  I hauled two lame decorations out of storage this year, I was late coming home to you Monday, and at the end of it all, I only gave candy to five children, three of whom are relatives.  On top of that, I watched only half of Halloween.  I was asleep by half past nine.  I’m sorry, babe.  There’s no excuse for any of it.  What should have been a drunken, debaucherous dedication to the depths of spooky goodness was instead the kind of evening even my grandmother would have called boring.  She would have at least suggested we watch Child’s Play and tell the trick-or-treaters that their toys come to life when they’re not around, and not in a sweet Toy Story kind of way.

But you know what?  There’s always next year.  True, next year you’ll be landing on my door step on a Wednesday, but Wednesday evening is practically Thursday, and as any college student can tell you, Thursday is the new Friday, and of course Friday is the day all the other days of the week wish they could be.  So it’s going to be legendary seeing you again.  And you know what?  I’m going to be ready for you like a wife whose off-shore oil rig working husband is coming home after three weeks away.  The yard’s going to be decorated on October 1st, there will be a blog entry every single day of October, and there might even be an FM transmitter playing spooky music in a two block radius around my house.  Seriously, Halloween, you’re going to wake up on November 1, 2012, and say, “Now that’s how you celebrate me, bitches!”

And until then, rest well in your sleep, surrounded by smashed pumpkins and candy wrappers.

 

9 Days Til Halloween: Halloween came early this year…

I just had my first trick-or-treaters of the year, thanks to a friend who dropped by with some visitors who are only in town for this weekend.  Aside from the fact that I haven’t bought Halloween candy yet (the trick-or-treaters had to make do with stickers, atomic fireballs, and cherry mashes of questionable vintage), it was really fun to have that Halloween feeling over a week early.  But man, I have got to buy some Halloween candy!  Handing out crap on the day itself will get me a reputation of being the house with the shitty candy.  Beats the house that hands out toothbrushes or the house that hands out loose change, at least.

10 Days Til Halloween: Fright Night Soundtrack…for real

Thanks to a tip from awesome-commenter Simon, I recently learned that Brad Fiedel’s score to Fright Night would see the light of day thanks to Intrada Records.  I went in search of this fabled cd and now, a scant week later, I’m the proud owner of a copy.  The soundtrack is also being released via Screen Archives Entertainment, which is the company responsible for the blu-ray release of the film on December 13th.  –Side note:  why can’t I pre-order the blu-ray yet?–I’m not sure if Intrada and SAE are the same company, but Intrada is where I ordered my copy.

Let me just say, if the soundtrack for Fright Night is an indication of Intrada’s normal product, then they are a classy company which works hard to produce the best product possible.  In terms of overall design, the artwork and photos of Fright Night have never looked better.  Accompanying the cd was an insert booklet–19 pages long!–which covered several subjects such as Tom Holland, the film itself, Brad Fiedel, and the individual tracks of the score.  Included alongside the text were a wealth of photos from the film, including a few I had never seen before.

As to the quality of the music itself, mine is an untrained ear, so the music sounds wonderful to me.  I own two scores of Brad Fiedel’s on cd, Fright Night and The Terminator, and I can tell the former sounds richer and more dramatic than the latter.  Of course, there are a lot of variables which play into that, from the ages of the respective cds (2011 for Fright Night and late ’80s for The Terminator) to the technologies used to bring them to the format.  All I can say for certain is that the soundtrack gave up more musicality than watching the film–I’m hearing bits and pieces within familiar music that I’ve never heard before.  And, best of all, now “Come to Me” is preserved in its original, wordless state, which is well worth the price of admission for me (about $21 all told, for those who are curious).

To be honest, I’m really glad this arrived today, because I have been in a funk for the last four days.  Overall, this Halloween season has been tough for me, but just this week I’ve been really bummed.  I have a feeling that within the next year I’m going to be changing jobs, and that has me feeling excited and terrified all at the same time.  My current job is the first one I’ve had post-college, and while I’m sure this is true for just about everybody, I’ve made some mistakes with it.  I’ve learned from each and every one of them, but along the way I’ve also pissed people off, as is my birthright.  The most important thing, though, is that I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I operate within this our magical world.  After all, co-workers come and go, but we are all stuck with who we are.  To wit, I can’t go pleasing some bitch who will never be happy anyway if it’s going to kill the essence of me in the process.  I went into my current profession with a great many misgivings, and instead of going away, they have only intensified with time.  Whatever my next move is, it probably won’t pay as well, but it’ll leave more space in here for me, so that I can have room to run for my dreams while I’m still young enough to catch them.

Albert Camus wrote, “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”  Everywhere I look, there is a tightening of the reins.  Get in line, keep a stiff upper lip, scrub up, eat your vegetables, don’t think that, don’t speak out, don’t, don’t don’t dont…But I can’t live like that.  I may be a little more inclined toward civility than the average, but that doesn’t mean I can live in a strait-jacket world.  For five years I’ve been trying to squeeze into the little box of my profession, but I’m too big.  In years to come, I may regret my rebellious streak, but I doubt it.  From my great-grandmother down to my mother, each generation of my family has taught me to stand up for myself.  I just never thought I was worth standing up for.  But now, after having been confronted by the low opinions a few others have for me, I can say this with utter certainty (with apologies to Mr. Camus):  In the glaring brightness of day, I finally accepted that within me there is and always shall be cool, blessed night.

22 Days Til Halloween: Michael Biehn Shafted Again

So, I had one of those great Saturdays that are the stuff of legend and campfire chats, and when I arrived home, I saw in my mailbox the Entertainment Weekly cover for October 14-21, 2011.  Behold:

I know Bill Paxton was in Big Love, and that’s a big deal because it’s not tv, it’s HBO, but come on!  Hudson is a minor player who dies horribly way before the end of the movie!  Corporal Duane Hicks is a major character who finishes the “new family” formed by Ripley and Newt. And Michael Biehn–I don’t care what anyone says–is hotter than Bill Paxton.

Come to think of it, they should have put Newt (Carrie Henn) on the cover.  And did Cary Elwes and Robin Wright always look that much alike?  And Chris Sarandon is on page 76 and 80.  I would scan his photo, but scanning wouldn’t do it justice.  It should be illegal for a man in his 70s to be that devastatingly attractive.

24 Days Til Halloween: Auntie Platinum…Horror Meister?

Today I found out that next year I might be heading up a haunted house as a fundraiser.  It’s still early days yet, but I’m starting to scour old Halloween magazines and websites for cheap ideas regarding haunted attractions.

And when I mean cheap, I’m saying we might have to pull this together with $100, duct tape, and whatever Halloween masks I can get for $5 or less apiece.  But you know, isn’t that the fun?  When I think back to my childhood Halloweens, it was all low-rent and amazing, from the costumes (I was a green M & M, a witch, a pink bunny rabbit, and a gypsy, among other things, all home-made) to some of the treats–Grandma made cookies each year, God bless that wonderful woman, and one of Mom’s bowling league friends made popcorn balls–and definitely the decorations.

I don’t care how much dough you blow on an animatronic zombie that barfs on your lawn, it can’t beat a scarecrow that moves when you’re least expecting it.  In fact, the only time I was ever actually scared at a haunted attraction was when I was about ten.

My dad took me to the Scare on the Square (think that’s what it was called) one night in the week before Halloween.  He said, if I got scared, he’d be there.  Right, Dad.  We were close to the back of the group, and there was a chainsaw-yielding psychopath towards the front.  I wasn’t too concerned, as my brother had told me years before this that they took the chain off so the chainsaws are basically harmless.  Still, my dad’s hand on my shoulder was reassuring.

Then, he squeezed my shoulder really hard, which wasn’t like him.  I looked up to tell him, “Dad, relax, it’s just a show,” only to look into a glowing clown face with dark, shining eyes staring down at me.  I screamed so loud Clown-face actually dropped his hand and took a step back, as did I, only to bump into my dad, who was to my left.

My only hope for next year’s haunted house is that I can somehow cause someone to scream like that.

25 Days Til Halloween: No blog tonight

I’m not blogging tonight; my heart’s not it.  Not that I wouldn’t love to be blogging about jack-o-lanterns or autumn leaves or something good and spooky like that, but something happened today that just took the spirit away.  See you tomorrow, inconsistent readers.

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